Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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