I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
