my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
