Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
