that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
