How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
