Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize