Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize