Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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