my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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