Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize