I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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