Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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