I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
