I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
