when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
