haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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