youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
