My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
