Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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