Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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