it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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