found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I touched a dick in church today
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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