I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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