Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
