do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
