i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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