Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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