You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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