You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
