Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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