I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
