someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
