You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
