If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
