guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
