Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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