The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
