I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
