so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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