it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
