wat bout pragnant strippers??
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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