When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize