She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
