Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
