My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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