Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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