Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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