how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
