Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
