dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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