You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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