If i come over, it means nothing
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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